24 نکته برای تعالی زندگی زناشویی

24 نکته برای تعالی زندگی زناشویی

نکته ­ی1. با هم حرف بزنید

درباره­ی اهمیت صحبت کردن هرچقدر بگوییم کنیم، باز هم کم است. باید بتوانید با همسرتان درباره هر چیزی صحبت کنید. همسرتان فردی است که باید افکارتان را با او سهیم شوید و از او نظر بخواهید. در زندگی، شما با مشکلات و تجربیات نامطلوب زیادی مواجه می‌شوید. بهترین راه غلبه بر این مسائل، صحبت کردن درباره­ی آن­ها با همسرتان و پیدا کردن یک راه‌حل است. همچنین بدون یک مسیر خوب گفت‌و‌گو، همسران اغلب احساساتشان «معمولاً احساسات منفی» را همه­ی اینها رنجش و ناکامی را در آن­ها تشدید می‌کند و به‌تدریج اساس زندگی را فرسوده می‌سازد.

نکته­ ی 2. آرزوها و رویاهایتان را با هم سهیم شوید

همه ما در مورد آینده آرزوهایی داریم: این­که کجا زندگی کنیم و چه کارهایی انجام دهیم و غیره. چرا این آرزوها باید فقط مال خودتان باشد؟ آن­ها را با همسرتان سهیم شوید. با همدیگر در مورد آینده و آنچه تمایل دارید در سال‌های بعد اتفاق بیفتد، صحبت کنید. با هم به جلو نگاه کردن، به نزدیک‌ترشدن شما به عنوان یک زوج کمک می‌کند. بحث کردن در مورد رویاها و آرزوها همچنین در هر دوی شما همبستگی­ای ایجاد می­کند تا با توان هرچه بیشتر برای به دست آوردن آن­ها تلاش کنید.

 

نکته ­ی 3. برنامه‌ریزی اقتصادی داشته باشید

بخش عمده‌ای از مشاجرات در زندگی مشترک به دلیل مسائل مالی ایجاد می‌شود. هزینه‌های سنگین زندگی و درآمد پایین ممکن است می‌تواند شما و زندگی مشترکتان را تلخ سازد. برای این­که بتوانید ناسازگاری‌هایتان در این مورد را به حداقل برسانید، باید با هم یک برنامه­ی اقتصادی طراحی کنید. این برنامه هر دوی شما را قادر می‌سازد تا ببینید چه موقع پول به زندگی‌تان می‌آید و چه موقع و چگونه از زندگی­تان می‌رود. یک برنامه­ی دقیق مالی و کنترل دخل و خرج مانع بالا رفتن هزینه­های زندگی شما و افتادن به دردسر مالی می­شود.

نکته ­ی‌4. با هم بیرون رفتن را متوقف نکنید

زندگی مشترک را می‌توان همواره شکوفا نگاه داشت. یکنواختی زندگی روزمره به‌تدریج عوارض خود را برجای می­گذارد. یکی از بهترین روش‌ها برای این­که مطمئن شوید زندگی مشترکتان همیشه تازه و شاداب می‌ماند این است که با هم بیرون بروید، به جایی بروید که از بودن در آن­جا لذت می‌برید، منظره زیبایی دارد و خاطرات خوبی از آن­جا دارید. می‌توانید به یک رستوران یا سینما بروید یا با هم پیاده‌روی کنید. مهم این است جایی بروید که محیط شما عوض شود و با هم به عنوان یک زوج تنها باشید. اولین باری را به یاد بیاورید که با هم به عنوان یک زوج بیرون رفتید. چقدر عالی بود؟ اگر خود و همسرتان را در اولویت زندگی‌‌تان قرار دهید، قطعاً دلیلی ندارد که نتوانید زندگی مشترکتان را شاد نگه‌ دارید.

نکته­ ی 5. همسرتان را گاهی شگفت‌زده کنید

زندگی مشترک امکان دارد به آسانی کسالت­بار به قابل پیش‌بینی‌شدن بلغزد. راز یک زندگی مشترک شاد و طولانی تازگی و تنوع آن است. شما نیاز دارید برای حفظ شور و شوقی­ که ابتدای آشنایی‌تان داشتید تلاش کنید. یکی از بهترین کارها این است که به‌طور پیوسته همدیگر را شگفت‌زده کنید. هرچیز مثبت غیرمنتظره که در روند زندگی روزمره‌تان تنوعی ایجاد کند ایده‌آل است. صبر نکنید تا جشن تولد همسرتان یا مناسبتی فرا برسد تا او را با هدیه‌ای شگفت‌زده کنید.

نکته ­ی 6.تعریف و تشویق کنید

همه­ی ما دوست داریم و گاهی اوقات نیاز داریم که از ما تعریف کنند. دخترها و پسرها موقعی که می‌خواهند با هم ازدواج کنند به راحتی از هم تعریف می‌کنند؛ زیرا می‌پندارند که این تعریف‌ها فقط مدت کوتاهی باید انجام شود. اما هر فردی دوست دارد که به خودش افتخار کند و تعریف و تحسین. بهترین روش برای کمک به ایجاد این احساس در اوست؛ هرچند‌ نباید در این مورد افراط کنید، 10 تحسین در یک روز نسبت به یک تحسین تأثیر بیشتری نداشته باشد. مهم این است که این تحسین را در جای مناسبی انجام دهید.

 

نکته­ ی 7.‌ همه مسائل را حل کنید

اگر مشاجرات و تعارضات حل نشوند، در ذهنتان رسوب می­کنند و به تدریج مثل خوره در زندگی مشترکتان تأثیر منفی می‌گذارند. برای رسیدن به یک زندگی شاد باید به شیوه‌ای مؤثر با همسرتان ارتباط برقرار کنید.

درست نیست که بر سر اختلاف­هایتان ظاهراً با هم به تفاهم برسید؛ امّا سپس بگذارید که تنفر در زندگی‌تان رشد یابد. البته، شما نمی‌توانید همیشه از تعارضات و تنش‌ها اجتناب کنید. اما می‌توانید با آن با حساسیت و به‌صورتی بالغانه مواجه شوید. بر سر اختلافات‌تان گفت‌وگو کنید تا به مصالحه و یک راه‌حل مورد توافق برای هر دو طرف دست یابید. همیشه راه‌حل رضایت‌بخشی برای هر دو طرف وجود دارد.

 

نکته ­ی 8. حالت دفاعی نداشته باشید

موقعی که فردی علیه شما شکایتی کند، طبیعی است که از خودتان دفاع می­کنید. در این مواقع شما احساس می‌کنید مورد حمله قرار گرفته‌اید. اما این در زندگی مشترک اشتباه بزرگی است. باید بتوانید انتقاد سازنده از همسرتان را به صورت بالغانه و با خون­سردی انجام دهید. اگر صرفاً جدل کنید یا به شکایتی که از شما می‌شود واکنش منفی نشان دهید، نه‌تنها مشاجره‌ای میان خود و همسرتان پیش می­آید، بلکه همسرتان را به طرز فزاینده‌ای از خودتان ناامید خواهید کرد. بنابراین،‌ وقتی کار اشتباهی انجام می‌دهید، انتقاد را بپذیرید و مسئله را با هم حل کنید.

نکته­ ی 9. با هم گفتگو کنید نه مشاجره

گفتگو بین شما و همسرتان بخشی از زندگی مشترک است و هیچ تردیدی در آن نیست. همه­ی همسران در مورد برخی مسائل با هم اختلاف نظر دارند؛ البته هرچقدر اختلاف فکری شما با همسرتان کمتر باشد، بهتر است. اما گفتگو باید فرایندی کاملاً طبیعی باشد که در آن، خشم و ناکامی‌تان را با هم در میان می‌گذارید، بدون این­که همسرتان را سرزنش کنید یا با هم مشاجره و دعوا کنید. فقط در مورد مسئله­ی موردنظر با هم حرف بز‌نید و مسائل دیگر را وارد این بحث نکنید. اگر بحث شما بیشتر از 5 دقیقه طول نکشد، نکته‌ای پیش نخواهد آمد که موجب ناراحتی شما بشود. اختلافات‌تان را حل کنید. همیشه چیزی مهم‌تر از این نگرانی‌های شما وجود دارد و آن کسی نیست جز همسر.

نکته­ ی 10. آغوش‌های بی‌اهمیت را فراموش نکنید

در اهمیت در آغوش گرفتن همسر در یک زندگی موفق نمی‌توان حدی تعیین کرد. صمیمیت موضوعی است حیاتی در ازدواج موفق و در آغوش گرفتن بهترین روش غیرجنسی برای رسیدن به آن است.

آغوش طولانی یا فقط نشستن صمیمانه در کنار یکدیگر با قدرت و قوّتی تامّ و تمام عشق و احساسات شما را به همسرتان منتقل می­کند. این کار حمایت و اطمینانی را در همسرتان ایجاد می­کند که گاهی اوقات فراتر از هر چیزی است.

نکته ­ی 11. تفاوت‌هایتان را بپذیرید

هیچ زوجی وجود ندارد که کاملاً متناسب با هم باشند. هر زن و شوهری گاهی اوقات بر سر مسائلی با هم اختلاف پیدامی­کنند. این اختلاف­نظر صرفاً نتیجه­ی زندگی دو انسان با اندیشه و تجربیات متفاوت در کنار هم است. اختلاف‌نظرها و تفاوت‌ها همیشه اتفاق می­افتند. مسئله­ی مهم این است که با آن­ها به صورت منطقی و با خون­سردی مواجه شویم. هر دوی شما نیاز دارید که گاهی اوقات با هم مصالحه کنید. پذیرفتن تفاوت­هایتان و مصالحه با یکدیگر یکی از روش­هایی است که زندگی مشترکتان را به مسیری صحیح هدایت می­کند و آن را تداوم می­بخشد.

نکته­ ی 12. زمانی که اشتباه می‌کنید، به آن اعتراف کنید

اعتراف به اشتباهاتمان کار ساده­ای نیست اما در زندگی مشترک، باید به سادگی غرورتان را به کناری بگذارید و اعتراف به اشتباه کنید.

برای عده­ای از مردم آسان است که به خطاهایشان اقرار نکنند، از طرف مقابل عذر خواهی نکنند و به اصطلاح قضیه را ماست­مالی کنند. بدون عذرخواهی جریان هوای زندگی مشترک نمی‌تواند کاملاً شفاف و صاف شود. بدون اعتراف به اشتباهاتتان به تدریج رنجش و تنفر در روابط شما ایجاد می­شود و یک روز پشیمان خواهید شد که چرا عذرخواهی نکردید.  

نکته­ ی 13.‌ خاطرات خوشتان را به یاد بیاورید

اگرچه بهترین گزینه در زندگی مشترکتان این است که بر «این­جا و اکنون» متمرکز شوید؛ اما به یادآوردن اوقات خوب و خوشی که با هم داشتید نیز سودمند است.

به یادآوردن تعطیلات شیرینی که با هم داشته‌اید یا زمانی که همسرتان یک جشن تولد غیرمنتظره را برای شما ترتیب داده بود به تقویت رابطه میان شما کمک می­کند. به یادآوردن اتفاقات شیرین همچنین به شما امید و انتظار داشتنِ زمان‌های لذت‌بخش مشابه را در آینده می‌دهد. این کارها شما و همسرتان را به این تنیجه می­رساند که «ما می‌دانیم که واقعاً همدیگر را دوست داریم.»

 

نکته­ ی 14. در جمع به همسرتان احترام بگذارید

بی‌اعتنایی به همسرتان در زمانی که تنها هستید به اندازه­ی کافی بد است، اما در جمع چنین قطعاً بدتر و ناپسنده­تر است. بیشتر زنان و شوهرانی که در جمع به همسرشان بی‌اعتنا هستند، در حضور دیگران از هم انتقاد می‌کنند یا با هم مسخره می‌کنند. البته یادتان باشد که تفاوت بزرگی میان خندیدن با همسر و خندیدن به او وجود دارد. آیا واقعاً می­خواهید کسی را که بسیار دوستش دارید مسخره کنید؟ آیا واقعاً می­خواهید به او توهین کنید و روحیه‌اش را تضعیف کنید؟

   موقعی که در بیرون از خانه و در جمع هستید باید همبستگی و وحدت خود و همسرتان را به همه، نشان بدهید. به یاد داشته باشید که شما و همسرتان یک تیم هستید. بنابراین، موقعی که همسرتان بد به نظر برسد، شما نیز چنین خواهید بود.

 

نکته­ ی 15. رابطه جنسی همه‌چیز نیست

روابط جنسی بخش مهمی از زندگی زناشویی را تشکیل می‌دهد و فقدان آن گاهی اوقات باعث بروز مشکلات؛ جدی می­شود. هرچند رابطه­ی جنسی همه چیز نیست. اگر مؤلفه‌های دیگری از قبیل اعتماد و ارتباط درست میان همسران وجود نداشته باشند، رابطه­ی جنسی نمی‌تواند زندگی مشترک را پایدار نگه ‌دارد.

   اگر از رابطه­ی جنسی‌تان لذت نمی‌برید، با همسرتان بدون هیچ تعارفی مستقیماً و بکوشید تا در مورد آن صحبت کنید و تلاش کنید راه‌حلی پیدا کنید. اما یادتان باشد پیوند استوار بین همسران فقط بر اساس رابطه جنسی شکل نمی‌گیرد.

نکته­ ی 16. گوش شنوا داشته باشید

یکی از نکات حیاتی زندگی مشترک که باید به آن توجّه داشته باشید،‌ گوش‌شنوا داشتن است، و یکی از بزرگ‌ترین هدایایی که می‌توانید به همسرتان بدهید گوش‌دادن دقیق به حرف‌های او است. موقعی که می‌خواهد با شما صحبت کند، تلویزیون را خاموش کنید،‌ روزنامه یا مجله‌ای را که می‌خوانید را ببندید و تماس چشمی مناسبی با او داشته باشید. زندگی مشترک یعنی سهیم‌شدن زندگی‌تان با فردی که دوستش دارید. باید کسی باشید که همسرتان بیشترین صحبت‌هایش را با او می‌کند. بنابراین، باید توجه ویژه‌ای به گوش‌دادن بکنید. اما گوش‌شنوا داشتن فقط به معنی شنیدن حرف­های همسرتان نیست. گوش‌شنوا داشتن شامل درک‌ گفته­های او با پرسیدن سؤالاتی از قبیل؛ «این چیزی که از حرف‌های تو فهمیدم این است که‌…» (سپس به زبان خودتان آن چیزهایی را که از حرف‌های همسرتان فهمیده‌اید بیان کنید. بعد بپرسید «آیا این چیزی که فهمیدم درست است؟» به این طریق نه تنها همسرتان می‌داند که شما به حرف‌های او گوش داده‌اید؛ بلکه به او احساس باارزش‌بودن را انتقال می‌دهید. فایدة دیگر چنین روشی این است که احتمال کمتری دارد که حرف همدیگر را سوءتعبیر کنید.  

نکته ­ی 17. فعالیت مشترک داشته باشید

برخی از همسران به ندرت درکنار هم هستند. زندگی مشترک در همه حال حول محور اتحاد و یگانگی می­چرخد. اگر شما از بودن با همسرتان سر باز بزنید، رابطه‌تان به سرعت از هم گسسته می‌شود. برای حفظ رابطه عاشقانه باید تلاش کنید که چیزی را به غیر از رابطه­ی جنسی بیابید که بتوانید با هم انجام دهید. مثلاً یک بازی مانند تنیس یا بدمینتون یا چیز ساده‌ای مانند راه‌رفتن با هم.

نکته‌ی 18: واژه‌های نیکو به کار ببرید

نوع واژه‌هایی خاصی که استفاده می‌کنید تفاوت بسیار زیادی را در گفته­های شما و نحوه­ی برداشت از آن ایجاد می­کند. همه در زندگی زناشویی خود می­توانند واژه‌های منفی غیرضروری را به زبان بیاورند یا برعکس، از واژه­های مثبت استفاده کنند.

   استفاده از واژه‌هایی مانند «هرگز» یا «همیشه» نیز مفید نیست. برای مثال درست نیست که به همسرتان بگویید که «تو هرگز در شستن ظرف‌ها به من کمک نمی‌کنی» این نوع صحبت کردن تنها به او حالت دفاعی می‌دهد و منجر به جرّ و بحث می‌شود. برعکس، جمله­هایی مانند جملة زیر تأثیر مثبتی در مخاطب شما می­گذارد. «‌آیا می‌توانی امشب در شستن ظرف‌ها به من کمک کنی؟»

نکته‌ی 19. همدیگر را ترغیب و تشویق کنید

حمایت و تشویق همسر یکی از نیازهای اساسی یک ازدواج شاد و بلندمدت است. زندگی مشترک نوعی ‌همراهی و همگامی است و هر زوج نیاز به دیگری دارد. همه­ی ما برخی اوقات در زندگی‌مان به حمایت نیاز داریم و اگر نتوانیم آن را از همسرمان به دست بیاوریم، اتفاق بسیار بدی در رابطه­ی بین ما می‌افتد.

این موضوع نیز مهم است که بدانید چه موقع همسرتان به حمایت و تشویق شما نیاز دارد، آن هم قبل از این­که او چنین درخواستی از شما بکند؛ زیرا در این زمان دیگر تأثیر چندانی ندارد.    

نکته­ ی 20. زمانی را بدون فرزندانتان باشید

ممکن است بچه‌هایتان را با همه­ی وجودتان دوست داشته باشید و بخواهید هرکاری برای آن­ها انجام دهید؛ اما گاهی اوقات شما و همسرتان نیاز به زمانی دارید که دور از آن­ها باشید. موقعی که شما دارای فرزند می‌شوید، زندگی‌تان تغییر زیادی می‌کند و برای بودن با همسرتان وقت یا انرژی بسیار کمی پیدا می­کنید.

   اما این نیز مهم است که با تعیین وقتی بدون حضور فرزندان‌تان، و خود را از آن­ها جدا کنید. اگر فرزندان‌تان بزرگ هستند، بدون آن­ها به تعطیلات بروید یا یک شب بدون آن­ها بیرون بروید. برای تضمین و تداوم زندگی مشترکتان لازم است اوقاتی را به خود و همسرتان اختصاص دهید.

نکته­ ی 21. روزتان را با بوسه شروع کنید

تماس بدنی یک بخش مهمی از هر زندگی زناشویی‌ است. بنابراین، صبح­ها قبل از این­که خانه را ترک کنید، همسرتان را ببوسید. لازم نیست این بوسه طولانی و از روی شهوت باشد؛ اما باید بیش از یک بوسه‌ی سریع بر روی گونه باشد. این، بوسه‌ای است که از طریق آن می‌گویید «من دوستت دارم». بنابراین، باید احساس‌تان را از طریق آن منتقل کنید.  

نکته ی 22. شما یکی هستید

ازدواج یک عهد و پیمان است. مرد و زن باید در ذهن، قلب و روح با هم یکی شوند. این کار احساسات‌ مثبت‌ و نهایتاً شادکامی­تان در زندگی را افزایش می‌دهد.

   اگرچه مهم است که مقداری استقلال را حفظ کنید؛ اما باید با هم در همه­ی جنبه‌های زندگی یکدل و یکرنگ باشید. به محض این­که شما کمک و حمایت از همدیگر را متوقف کنید، شکافی در رابطه­ی شما آشکار خواهد شد. اگر این وضع ادامه پیدا کند، شکاف عمیق‌تر می‌شود تا وقتی که آسیب به مرحله­ی جبران‌ناپذیر برسد.  

نکته­ ی 23. اطمینان مجدد دهید

شک و تردید می‌تواند در هر زمانی به ذهنتان بخزد. هیچ‌کسی از این افکار منفی ایمن نیست و این امر در مورد همسرتان هم صادق است. گاهی اوقات باید بگوییم «همه‌چیز خوب است» و چه کسی بهتر از شما که این اطمینان را به همسرتان بدهد.

     اطمینان از عشق شما می‌تواند احساسی شبیه انداختن یک پتوی گرم بر روی شانه‌های همسرتان در یک روز بسیار سرد در او برانگیزد. این کار به طرف مقابل شما احساس ایمنی می‌دهد و ‌افکار منفی را از ذهنش خارج می‌کند.

نکته ­ی 24. دوستت دارم

اصلاً چرا باید به همسرتان بگویید که دوستش دارید؟ آیا تاکنون این را نمی‌دانسته است؟ آن­ها احتمالاً این را می‌دانند؛ اما به معنای آن نیست که نباید هرگز به او این دو کلمه­ی جادویی را بگویید. باید همواره و حداقل یک­بار در روز به او بگویید: «دوستت دارم».

   گفتن جمله­ی «دوستت دارم»، تأکید مجددی است بر پیوند عاشقانه­ی شما و همسرتان، و تعهدی را که بینتان در ابتدای ازدواج ایجاد شده به یادتان می‌آورد. موقعی که روحیه­ی همسرتان تضعیف می­شود این واژه‌های کوچک به او دلگرمی و امید می­بخشد. گاهی یکی از همسران تردید دارد که آیا همسرش واقعاً هنوز او را دوست دارد یا نه. در این موارد درنگ نکنید و دقیقاً آنچه در نظر دارید به همسرتان بگویید: دوستت دارم.

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